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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

If I have written about this, please forgive me . . .

If I have written about this before, please forgive me.   

So much of memory is filtered over time & when the memories are clear & concise, one should tell the story.

Before I moved to Dorrance Lane & Fort Bend County, I dreamt about my future high school.

A high school named after a man I personally held responsible for the Vietnam war – John Foster Dulles,

I dreamt about my first day at my new school.  

I was sitting in a strange room, with tables instead of desks.  

Lots of sinks & faucets – not unlike a chem lab.  I only learned later that my home room assignment was in the Home Ec Lab.

In my dream, a boy with a great face & voice came up & said hello.  Next, a girl dressed in red, white & blue (JFD colors) in what I found a sad replica of a cheerleader uniform, joined the boy with a great face & voice & said hello.

She was unlike any cheerleader we ever knew at CHS.  Wonderful hair, horrible nose, great energy.  She would have never made the squad at CHS.


Funny dream, I thought.
How did I know that John Foster Dulles’ namesake’s colors were red, white & blue?

When at last we moved, & I breathed water & feared the encroachment of mildew, I went with Jean to drop off my sister & brother at Dulles Middle School & Dulles High School sent a student office worker to walk me across the campus.

Becky Lubojosky – the first person I met in my new high school.  Who talked about how my Coronado Ring was so similar to the Dulles ring & how great it was that girls were allowed to wear pant suits & what great timing for me to arrive for the day off devoted to the Fort Bend County Rodeo.

And I thought, beam me up, Scotty. 

 Then I went to my homeroom.

With tables & sinks & faucets & stoves & ovens & sewing machines.

And I thought, beam me up, Scotty.

And then a guy with a great face & a wonderful voice came into the room & introduced himself.  And then a girl with a really bad cheerleader outfit came to the table & introduced herself.

And I thought, beam me up Scotty.

That guy with a wonderful face & voice & that cheerleader were the epicenter of Dulles High School & they took me under their wings & filled a void.

Becky Lubojosky & her friends pushed my name forward in every election – Jaki Jean as Wittiest, Jaki Jean as Most Talented, Jaki Jean as Most Unforgettable.

 In the end, I only got Wittiest. 

But more than that, I learned to listen to my dreams & my inner voice.  

Now I just want Jean Luc to beam me up . . . ;-)  Forget Scotty.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

CHS. All those Friday night lights


The morning pep rallies with piƱatas & little chocolate footballs & signs.  The Blazer Girls (would I have been a Blazer Girl, I wonder). The afternoon rallies in the gym, with each class yell leader, competing to prove which class was had the most team spirit.

It wasn’t just about football or basketball or baseball or track at CHS (although we were the best in the city).  

I remember how Papa Field of the speech department made me work harder than anyone else, how he had me talk into a tape recorder until all traces of my East Texas accent were gone, how he gave me extra assignments.  

 I had to read Time, Newsweek & US News & World Report.  How I had to give extra speeches.

I thought, I must be the worst speaker in the class.

Then he started making me keep note cards with bits & pieces of what I read about current events.

Why, I thought, does this man hate me?

Then, on a Monday, he called me to his desk after class & told me that I would be representing CHS at the Lydia Stark Speech Tournament in Persuasive Speaking.

I don’t remember what I thought.  That particular year Papa Field & Mama Card decided to take novices to the very prestigious & competitive Lydia Stark Tournament.  Veterans went on the trip, to mentor the novices.

Before we got off the bus, Mama Card told us:  I want you to walk into that room with your heads held how, knowing that each & every one of you is a winner – you are the best.

I doubted that on my part, but relied on my acting abilities to fake confidence.

At every round, at every posting of the standings, Ken Korn (upper classman & a great actor) stood with me, telling me I was great.

When I made the finals, I was amazed.  Ken told me I was brilliant – he sat in on every round (Mama Card & Papa Field were very clever).

I knew I would not win, I could not possibly win.  The judges in the final round were fierce – all newscasters from the local stations.

So I hid.  I was not even in the auditorium when results were announced & trophies were handed out. 

Ken Korn found me.

It’s your event – you have to be there, he said.

I said no, I have let everyone down.

He took my hand & literally pulled me through the door.

They announced third place in Persuasive Speaking.

If I did not get third, I was shit out of luck.

Ken held onto me & kept me there.

I did not get second.  I looked at him, desperate for help.  He held on.

And then they announced my name & Ken hugged me & kissed the top of my head & pushed me down the aisle.

That is the magic of CHS – that we all believed we could be first place.

Most of the time, we were.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Jane Eyre - Chapter 1 First Draft

Chapter One

There was no possibility of taking a walk that day.

The novel opens with stasis.

During previous readings, I thought, what an amazing move. To begin a female buildings roman from a fixed position – what, who has fixed her there? Bronte, of course, & Jane, as the narrator, the author of her own story & text. And Mrs. Reed.

As the narrator, Jane introduces us to Mrs. Reed, the first m(other) figure of Jane’s story:

The said Eliza, John, and Georgiana were now clustered round their mama in the drawing-room: she lay reclined on a sofa by the fireside, and with her darlings about her (for the time neither quarrelling nor crying) looking perfectly happy.

Mrs. Reed writes her own text of Jane: as a caviller [what the hell is a caviller? If I ever knew, I have forgotten. I looked it up - a disputant who quibbles; someone who raises annoying petty objections] or questioner. . .something forbidding. . .unpleasant, discontented, unhappy. . .unnatural.

From the beginning of the novel, Jane is cast as an outsider, by Bessie, for her supposed physical inferiority to the Reed darlings (who wouldn’t be unhappy with frozen fingers & toes?????), by Mrs. Reed, by Jane herself.

Mrs. Reed positions Jane – not only excluding her from the family tableau, but from language. She is to be seated somewhere. . .and remain silent until she can speak in a language, a manner, acceptable to Mrs. Reed’s definition of a more sociable and childlike disposition.

Stasis = silence.

Banished, Jane repositions herself in the window seat, with a book. Throughout this novel, I am intrigued by Jane’s (or Bronte’s) choice of texts. Much has been written about Bewick’s History of British Birds. The entire Brontė family was fond of the volume. Bronte even wrote a poem about Bewick. The volume is still widely quoted. It appears in other Bronte family novels.

Eyrephiles have suggested that Jane’s choice of Bewick indicates her sense of isolation – she looks at the pictures of non-British landscapes. I would argue that her fascination with places other than Gateshead and the Reeds was an indication of her desire to remove herself from her positioning, to reposition herself anyplace other than Gateshead.

Jane is less interested in the Bewick’s letter-press than the pictures. She chooses to position herself in the window seat, protected on one side by folds of scarlet drapery, separated from the dreary November day by clear panes of window glass.

It seems to me that things always happen within Jane when she looks out of a window. . .

Other Eyrephiles wax poetic on how the pictures Jane chooses to tell us about lay the groundwork for her artwork.

But the Bewick passage interests me for other reasons. All novels are self-reflective; all say something about the process of creating text, of telling a story. Throughout the novel, Jane is fascinated by narrative. Bewick’s illustrations interest her because Each picture told a story; mysterious often to my undeveloped understanding and imperfect feelings, yet ever profoundly interesting: as interesting as the tales Bessie sometimes narrated on winter evenings. . .(feeding the children’s) eager attention with passages of love and adventure taken from the old fairy tales and older ballads; or (as at a later period I discovered) from the pages of Pamela, and Henry, Earl of Moreland.

Jane Eyre is no Pamela, whose story reads like the outline for a conduct book. Pamela’s most famous dictum is that she always knows her place as a servant. On the surface, at least, Jane continually resists the positioning dictated by others. As a child, she is continually told that she is less than a servant – servants earn their keep – she is a charity case (as if anything about Mrs. Reed is charitable!).

But I am getting ahead of myself.

Back to Chapter 1.

With Bewick on my knee, I was then happy: happy at least in my own way. I feared nothing but interruption. . .

Jane’s alone time in the window seat, dreaming of places other than Gateshead, is interrupted – John Reed cannot find her alone. Finding the room apparently empty, he invents the story that she has gone out into the rain (silly goose, John Reed, Jane does not like to take walks in the damp cold . . .)

The rupture of Jane’s solace comes about because Eliza, the brightest of the Reed children, tells him where Jane is positioned. Betrayed by a female, Jane is repositioned once again. From sanctuary to violence. John Reed uses Bewick (a male text) to violate Jane., striking her on the head. She is cut, violated.

A really radical Jaki would argue that John Reed textually rapes Jane in order to assert his position of power over her. . .

Jane’s response to John’s violence, her assessment of his wickedness & cruelty, her attempt to defend herself against his attack as he lunges at her, is rewritten by the women of the house as fury and passion.

And then the hands of the female servants (Bessie & Abbot) restrain (stasis) Jane and Mrs. Reed repositions our heroine once again. Still restrained – four hands were immediately laid upon me - she is confined to the red room.

Chapter 1 opens with stasis and closes with what looks like movement, but is it just another repositioning of the resistant female (another form of stasis?).

Friday, September 17, 2010

A Return to God & Morality

At times, I despair of the call for America to return to God & morality.

The idea that this country was founded as the new Jerusalem, rooted in a quest for religious freedom, is a myth, a testament to our ability to rewrite & re-interpret history & indoctrinate our young people into believing the myth as fact.

This country was founded by men & merchants seeking gold & the opportunity to cash in on the continent’s riches.

That is not to say that the founding fathers (note that there are no founding mothers – how these men gave birth to anything without females is beyond me) did not consider freedom of religion an interesting & necessary concept – they also considered the right to bear arms and the right to participate ein the democratic process (as long as you were male & a land-owner) & the right to expect represntation with taxation necessary components for the new nation they envisioned. They were not opposed to slavery.

So the call for a return to God & morality baffles me.

As if there was anything moral about this country's attempt to wipe out the indigenous population, anything moral about the original requirements for voting, anything moral about slavery, anything moral about the way we treated specific groups of immigrants, anything moral about Jim Crow laws or segregation, anything moral about rounding up & interring American citizens of Japanese descent, anything moral about the Vietnam War, anything moral about the myth of the Cold War, anything moral about standing by as ethnic genocide is still practiced around the globe, anything moral about either invasion of Iraq, anything moral about allowing members of the Bin Laden family to fly out of this country when the skies were empty except for the military after 911, anything moral about greed as a motivating factor in conducting business, anything moral about Americans dying & suffering for lack of affordable, adequate health care, anything moral about the struggling middle class carrying the burden of funding our government, anything moral about the fact that my 75 year old mother, who has paid taxes for over forty years, has to prove her citizenship in order to get a photo I.D. so a hospital will admit her for insurance covered day surgery, anything moral about the increase in hate crimes, an increase in crimes against women & children, anything moral about the fact that as a country, we have the ability to feed the entire world & American children still go to school & to bed hungry.

I love this nation, I love the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Separation of Powers. But I refuse to romanticize Her.

Women seldom enjoy being romanticized – we want & need & deserve to be accepted & respected for the flawed beings we are. Admired for our strengths, forgiven for our weaknesses.

America is no different.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Sandwiches & Cabbages & Kings

This morning Jean came to me with a flyer from Subway & said:

Here are some coupons for free sandwiches.

And I, thinking of her Parkinson’s & remnants of carpal tunnel & her difficulty at times in grasping things with her fingers, replied:

We don’t always do well with sandwiches.

The instant I see her reaction, I realize that I sound condescending, not to mention I have used the royal plural.

Jean (who knows I sound condescending & have used the royal plural because she does not miss a trick) says:

Really? Do you have trouble with sandwiches?

Only a bit more than 19 years separate us, as I am fond of pointing out when Jean reminds me to take an umbrella, or that I might think about taking a jacket or asks why I am wearing a slip with a denim dress in this heat & humidity.

I murmur something innocuous & know that instead of spinach fettuccine with artichoke & mushroom cream sauce tonight, we will have Subway.

So I touch Jean’s soft cheek & say with a smile:

We will have a free sandwich.

Artichokes & mushrooms can wait.

We had Subway for lunch.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Jean & Dishes


This morning I watched Jean, from her wheelchair, empty the sink & fill the dishwasher.
Not irritated with the fact that after an absence of little under four days, I had not cleaned up what was residual.
I told her that I would take care of it. 
She said, I need to do this.  I want to do this.
It was hard to watch.  It was painful to watch.  But she did it.
She knew, because she knows me, that I would l go behind her & rearrange the utensils & plates & bowls & glasses & storage dishes in the dishwasher.  I did this long before she was in a walker or wheelchair.
I give her an empty dishwasher & she fills it with our dirty dishes & utensils & pots & pans.  To be cleaned.
She contributes & then she gives me something greater, more important, nurturing & lovely.
She will say nothing about the fact that I rearrange the dishwasher, except to smile in jest.
Jean gave me the freedom to rearrange.
She always has.
I love that woman.  My mother. 

For my friend Kathy


This weekend, at my friend Michael’s Casita del Mar along the Gulf Coast not far from San Luis Pass, Michael’s girlfriend Kathy (who, for some inexplicable reason, likes me), asked me if I wrote in my blog every day.
I said, no, but I wish I was disciplined to write in it every day.
So, in honor of Kathy & the wonder & inspiration that she is, I am going to write every day.
It does not mean, dear Kathy, that I will publish everything that I write.  I am far too vain for that.
If I ever get over my vanity, that may change.
When one is a literature major, one learns that many writers have a muse.
I think, Kathy, that you & my dear friend Rachel are my muse.

Caricias





While spending time with my dear friends Michael & Kathy at Casita del Mar, I slept in a room opening onto the deck with a view of the Gulf across the road. Sometimes I would leave one of the French doors open, to hear the surf.

Sunday evening, correction, in the wee hours of Monday morning, I awoke, opened the door, & walked onto the deck.

Because of Tropical Storm Hermine, the Gulf was roaring, the waves fierce, beating against the rocks, crashing & flying over them onto the road.

And sometimes, as I stood there, tiny droplets of spray crossed in the wind over the road and caressed my face.

And I felt everyone who had touched my life & the undeniable presence of God.

Caricias.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Cracking Eggs

Tonight, as I cracked opened eggs for a Tortino di Carciofi, substituting tomatoes & fresh basil for the artichokes, I watched the eggs fall into the mixing bowl.

While some fell whole into the bowl, separated from the whites, one spread itself around the edge of the bowl.

Like people, I suppose. Some of us crack & fall intact.

Some of us crack & must wrap around the edges of our world for strength.