Jaki Jean, Jean, & Remembering the First Baby You Ever Held

Tonight I tell Jean that her niece Lawana saw her picture on Facebook & said that she looked so good.

Jean smiled & then said:  Her name is Lawana Jean.

This is new to me & I ask:  After you?

And Jean says:  Yes.  She was the first baby I ever held.

For a moment I am speechless, but because I am never without words for long, I touch her & smile & say:  The very first baby you hold is very special.

Jean smiles & I tell her that I am going to write for a while & she asks: 

What is on TV?

I tell her nothing much, but I see two VHS packages & offer her a choice between The Lion King  (complete with my rendition of From the day we arrive on the planet And blinking, step into the sun There's more to see than can ever be seen More to do than can ever be done)  & Air Force One & Jean quite wisely chooses Harrison Ford over animation & anything I recommend with what passes for my singing voice.

I tell her that Air Force One is one my personal favorites but I do not tell her that seeing The Lion King on stage is on my bucket list.  Even if it is Disney’s really poor version of Hamlet.

And then I sit down at Luna's sewing machine to write & I forget why it was so important to write tonight. 

All I keep thinking is what Jean told me about my cousin Lawana Jean:

She was the first baby I ever held.

Jean was the youngest of nine, far too young to hold my cousins who are so close to her in age.  Far too young to hold her nieces & nephews who did not live on the farm.

I think it was my first realization that I was not the first baby she ever held. 

Because I was the first of Jack & Jean’s children, the first babies I ever held were my siblings. 

There is a running joke in our family, one which I perpetuate, that I am still not over the birth of my sister Janet.  It is true that I have no memory of her birth.  But I do remember holding her.

And I remember all the grownups warning me to be careful, not to drop her.

While I don’t think I ever dropped her, I know without a doubt that over the years, Janet has never dropped me.

I remember holding our brother John – I was so worried about him – why did all the grownups let that ugly thing cling to his belly button?  Who was in charge?

By the time our youngest brother Jason arrived, I was thirteen & an expert at holding babies.  But I had a lot of competition from my two other siblings – everyone wanted to hold Jason.

Over the years, I have held all my siblings’ children - Felicia Marie, Emily Kate, Johnny Alexander & Sarah Jane.  Each time, I remembered how it felt to hold my sons Nicholas Jordan & Samuel Jean.  

And how it felt to hold my baby sister & my younger brothers.

Today I once again held my late brother John’s grandson.

Tonight, writing, I think of how it felt to hold little John, named for my brother & his grandfather John Simpson Ettinger, who was named for our grandfather, John Simpson Alexander Ettinger.  To feel the connection of what came before, of what is & what will continue.

And I think about Jean, how she must have felt to hold that little girl, the first baby she remembers holding, Lawana Jean.

Preparing her for holding her own daughters & sons & grandchildren.  Jean can no longer hold a baby - Parkinson's has robbed one of her arms of its strength.  

But my niece held little John close & Jean spoke to him & his eyes shined & he responded to Jean's voice.

The first baby you remember holding is very special.

And perhaps, so is the one you cannot hold.